There’s an interesting dynamic that takes place when we are learning to come alive. We realize how the culture around us has trained our minds to value gaining acceptance over being true to who we are, and so we naturally want to stop the cycle. We think, “I don’t want to teach that to my kids, so how do I shift my culture?”
I know this question is asked, because I’ve heard it at my retreats, and I’ve struggled with it myself.
The good news is, we can change it, but the hard news is, it’s not the way you think.
The only way to break the cycle of acceptance, is to fall absolutely and completely in love with anything and everything you are. Because until you love and accept yourself, you’ll never be able to love and accept others fully, because you won’t be whole. And if you’re not whole, other people’s actions and beliefs will threaten something in you.
If you are insecure about something, a person who touches that insecurity will be seen as bad or mean by you, and so you’ll deny them intimacy and perpetuate the acceptance culture.
But if you love who you are, and know who you are, then other people’s beliefs and actions won’t threaten you as much, so you’ll be able to allow them more room to be unique and truthful. In other words, they won’t have to create a projection to please and placate you.
In fact, because you have to learn to love ALL the parts of yourself, not just the shiny ones, you’ll understand what it means to be human. You’ll grasp the concept that everyone does what they do for a reason, because you have done everything you’ve done for a reason.
In order to love yourself, you’ll have to learn that the negative things about you are just as beautiful as the positive ones, because they make you interesting. They give you color.
And because you can see that those colors are amazing, you will stop fearing them. When you stop fearing them in yourself, you’ll stop fearing them in others.
And this is how we learn to love. Unconditional love of others is not, therefore, an act of willpower, but a natural reaction to feeling completely loved ourselves.
But you can’t fake it. You can’t will yourself into the acceptance of others without losing yourself in the process. It has to be real in order to break the culture.
So I want you to learn this phrase:
“Me, not you.”
Extended: “I have to help me, in order to help you.”
It’s how we go about fixing the hole in the boat instead of bailing out the water.I have to help me, in order to help you. Click To Tweet
It feels selfish and illogical, because initially those around us feel less loved when we start setting boundaries and changing our priorities, but in the end, your ability to give others space to be who they are, will far outweigh the consequences of taking the time out to heal yourself.
So look inside. What do you see? Chances are, that’s what you’re teaching.
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