To change without apology“I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.”

~ Lauren Bacall

I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately.

I’m not referring to the aesthetics, but to the whole idea of blogging. Meaning the style in which I’ve been doing it and where I want to go from here. 

I have loved sharing all the articles about coming alive, but the truth is, I’ve pretty much said what I wanted to say about it.

When I wrote my book, I did it with the idea that I was going to just get everything I wanted to say on the subject out there so that I would have something to hand people should I want them to know about it. That I did (my paperback proof is in the mail as we speak), and so I no longer feel like I have much to say on the subject.

The truth is, I don’t see myself as a life coach or teacher, as much as a multifaceted alive person. In fact, anyone who’s known me for any length of time is aware that I have about a 3 month attention span at best. I love new ideas and change, and it is something I cannot seem to “cure” myself of, no matter how much my brain fights my heart on it. 

My heart has luckily become more powerful and in demand than my brain, so the battles don’t last as long, but there are days when they are at such completely different ends, that I am paralyzed. This happens when my heart wants to move in a new direction, and my brain refuses to give. 

This past week, the argument between them has been about my next move, and what that means for my blog. If I’m honest, what I really want to do in life is to let go of any overarching idea outside of following my heart completely in the moment, but it’s a scary thought. 

I’m completely manic. If I get an idea, I run full out until it’s completed, then drop it suddenly, because it’s lost all interest to me. I love this about myself, but statistically, it isn’t the path to success, or even general acceptance from others. 

This would be fine, except that I have the culture of achieve hanging over me, taunting me daily with my failure to accumulate accomplishments because I’ve lacked consistency. 

I also have a deep wound of being ignored, which stems from childhood, and I fear that no matter how amazing I am, I will never be recognized for it. 

I don’t want to live for the acceptance of others. I want to live from the inside out, and I want to be brave enough to do it. What would happen if I let go of my grip on acceptance? My fear runs deep in this area.

So when it comes to blogging, I ask myself the question, “Why are you doing this?”

For a business? To gain acceptance? To express myself? To promote myself? 

This has been the internal conversation as of late. There is a part of my heart that wants to let it all go. To release social media in general from my life, as it seems to have become a false measurement and pressure defining my worth. It feels like all I do is seen as “content” on some level, with me wondering how to best present it to my “audience”. I don’t like that idea.

And yet, I’ve also connected with so many people I would not have (hello Australia) if it weren’t for social media. My father even mentions how he feels more connected to me, as he reads my blog daily. And I LOVE reading other people’s blogs, because it connects me to them in some way. So I can see the value in it as well.

There are many things I love about my blog. I love my new web comic (Heart + Brain), and when reading my Coming Alive articles, I see a lot of value in them as well. But I want to remove the boundaries of focused subject matter (which is contrary to all advice given about building a blog audience) and instead just share stuff with my friends. (That’s all of you.)

I want to let go of worrying about increasing my followers and achieving, and instead let blogging be the thing I love, because it’s a place to connect with people and say, “Hey! Check this out!” or “What do you think?” 

In a day and age where we’re all polished and perfected for the camera (which does appeal to me in some areas) I wonder if I can be brave enough to be raw. To put the little things about myself out there that make up who I am. To change without apology, and be random, manic, wide eyed, unapologetic, and real with you. That’s what I want. To just be a person, not a brand.  

I think your whole life shows in your face, and you should be proud of that. - Lauren Bacall Click To Tweet

If I can do that, my blog may just make the cut. Otherwise, I’ll have to rethink some things. 

-Tara

This is a Friday Reflections Link Up with Janine @ Reflections From a Redhead and Mackenzie @ Reflections From Me. Join the link up and share in the conversation.

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13 thoughts on “To Change Without Apology”

  1. Well, this is where I take a different tack. I understand and agree somewhat with what you all are saying, but I have come to believe that whatever I do, I must be true to myself. I have watched people trying to make money with the blogging and online world and admire them, but I set out almost 5 years ago to just write my thoughts, and not get caught up in the competitive world of blogging. I have a twinge every now and then, wishing I had made an attempt at professional blogging, but then I remember about 30 years ago, when an airbrushing hobby turned into a handpainted clothing business for 15 years that sucked all the joy out of painting for me. I remember that, heave a deep sigh of relief, and go on writing, painting, and photographing my world. FOR ME. :) Whatever you do Tara, be true to yourself!

  2. First of all, I really like the layout. I may not know you that much Tara, but I have the feeling it matches you.
    Life can be a very tricky thing and the line between being oneself and being the “brand” is very, very thin. I say life and not only blogging, because even in our work environment and private life, we are forced more and more into a Persona that is not always what we want to be.
    You are a very beautiful person and it is a blessing to be able to connect with you in spite of the distance.

  3. I hear you Tara! I have only been blogging for 5 months with maybe the goal of a book. However, it suddenly got completely out of control so I wrote an article “You are Not a Bad Blogger Because You Don’t Post Everyday”. Perhaps you should just write for you and when inspiration strikes. Even though you don’t want to be a coach you can still be motivating to others. That is what I want my blog to be – motivating others to lead a fit, healthy and active life at any age. Thanks for sharing with us at #FridayReflections and have a great weekend.

    1. Thanks for the encouragement Sue. You’re right, motivating others can still happen outside of being a coach.

  4. “To just be a person, not a brand.” I completely get what you are saying, Tara! I would love to monetize my blog, but I am just not there yet, and every time I try to do something in that direction, it feels fake. I was talking to friend the other day, and she reminded me that this blog should be about me being real, not the potential for making any money at some point in the future. She is right — I want people to visit and feel like they are sitting in my family room, drinking coffee from one of my Polish pottery mugs, and just enjoying themselves. Like you say, though, it is hard when you know there is something out there you could/should be doing to make your blog, well, “more.”

    As for moving in a different direction with your blog, with your great name, that should be easy — “Absolutely Tara” should be able to talk about absolutely anything she wants to! :)

  5. A really powerful post, you talk about being raw and I think you are in this post. I am still a newbie at all this but already I feel like it’s too much sometimes. Like you though I have met amazing people through this and become so much more empowered and comfortable with who I am.
    You have to follow your own path and whatever you decide I support you. I have to say that for me I decided to keep it real. Some people told me I couldn’t write my mummy stuff and then my empowering stuff on the same site but I do it anyway. This is my blog and I can’t be fake. Some days I’m reflective and full of advice or whatever, other days I am just being mum, wife, dog owner, photographer or whatever else. Just be you Tara and people will love you. Thanks for linking up xo

  6. OMG I so hear you Tara. I question this ALL the time! And every time I go to pull back I think ‘but what about all the friends I’ve made…from all over…’. To be honest social media, as annoying as it is, has helped me through some hard times, and I’m so connected to people online, moreso than people I see in person in my home town. But then I want to let go and just live free also…and now I’ve just started a 2nd blog because if others can monetise and liberate them from working in a job they hate I can too…and then there’s the life coaching. I did a life coaching course and so don’t feel like a life coach. I have a lot to share…and Id love to help others somehow change their lives too…but I think Ive now realised the way to do that is through writing…ugh. Will I ever make up my mind!

    1. It’s such a battle. This whole digital world has put opportunity at our fingertips, and yet it’s stolen something as well. I think knowing that I the opportunity is there makes me feel like I’m leaving something on the table should I not capitalize on it. It’s a wrestling match for sure.

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