I don’t live a conventional life. I never have. 

Maybe it’s not in the cards for me, or maybe it’s my personality, but nevertheless I am not what you would call “normal”.

Not that I haven’t tried to fit myself into the normal box. I have. But I am wholly convinced that it was an experience that almost killed every piece of light in me.

Sometimes I wonder whether finding my true self was a blessing or a curse. I mean, following my heart and chasing my dreams hasn’t exactly been easy. In fact, it’s been the most gut wrenching, emotionally painful, relationally tearing, societally rejecting experience of my life

But… I had to do it. 

Now that I know who I am there’s no turning back. To admit defeat and let myself sink into a rhythm that is not me would be the death of my alive spirit. 

But to run in my own direction requires an incredible amount of self-belief. I have to be fueled by my inherent truth alone. There is no outward reinforcement taking place. It all comes from within.

I have often thought of my belief like sand I’m carrying in my hands. And it’s running through my fingers and slipping away, as I charge forward at my fastest pace hoping that I will reach my destination before the sand runs out.

But I have found that the sand often runs out before I get there. And what do I do then?

Truthfully, I usually stop dead in my tracks, get into my bed, and feel sorry for myself for a little while.

But there is a warrior in me. A piece of my heart deep down that refuses to give way to anything less than fabulously alive.

You see, I have tasted alive. I have bathed in its existence. And it is worth any desert I have to cross.

I have tasted alive and bathed in its existence. It is worth any desert I have to cross. Click To Tweet

So when I am laying in bed, despair washing over me, I will dig deeper. I will find the part of my being that can conquer any obstacle standing in my way, and I will grab onto it.

“Believe. Just be strong enough to believe, and your mind will do the rest,” I tell myself so that I can stand.  

And new sand fills my hands. A small pile, but enough to move forward, so I can walk on, because the journey is not over yet.

-Tara

This post is a Friday Reflections Link Up with Janine @ Reflections From a Redhead and Mackenzie @ Reflections From Me. Join the link up and share in the conversation.

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10 thoughts on “When the Sand Runs Out”

  1. This post really hit home for me today, as I realise how happy I am as I feel like I am finally truly me, but also brush up against attitudes of disapproval or misunderstanding by those who no longer know me and think I am losing my mind…I am comforted by my close friends and some others who embrace me and know how far I have come, and what I have waded through to get here. It’s still fricken hard to keep going though.

  2. A lovely inspiring post Tara. I often run out of sand lately, and have trouble finding more. Your words help me to keep going. Thanks for the inspiration.

  3. Tara, your words always resonate with me, finding your true self is a journey of discovery, but having the courage to stay true to that self takes huge courage!! Enjoying following your unconventional self immensely! #fridayreflections

  4. There are almost no words to reply to this beautifully written piece of writing. I just feel at peace after reading it. It touched me deeply and I can relate to every beautiful word. You are a talent Tara xx #Fridayreflections

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