I want to know you.
Not the idealistic perfected person you have made yourself into. Not the highly vibrating, totally alive, depression immune, articulately scheduled, financially successful, completely planned out and happy you. But the real you.
The person you are when you let it all go. When you’re in this moment and you look into my eyes and all you can say is “That made me happy, or that made me sad.” Or when you feel shame, or the disbelief you carry. When little things touch you and big things make you so excited you want to jump up and down and scream.
The obsessive manifestation of worry and the high you get from making a list and checking of the individual tasks you have done. When you write in something you’ve already completed just so you can cross it off and feel good again.
When you’re just so excited because you’re finally a cool girl, or when an attractive guy walks by and you aren’t afraid to say he’s hot, because you’re married and that’s not okay. The taste of alcohol on your lips and how much you like it. The fun memories that flow through in your vision.
The way your morning coffee is something you crave even though you don’t need the energy. The way your body reacts to it and you think to yourself that you feel both suddenly invigorated but also not healthy at all, because your anxiety has risen, and you know you’re supposed to do yoga instead.
When you suddenly realize you’re losing your power. That it’s slipping through your fingers and you’re trying desperately to hold it in your hands, but it just keeps slipping. And so you start running as fast as you can, hoping to reach a place where your power will be secured before it’s completely gone from you.
When lust and romance are all you can see, and when the very thought of it is disgusting. When you’re angry and fierce and all the rage in you tastes so good you wish you could go around eviscerating the people you run into to your hearts content, and then you are so upset because when you snapped at him he got angry, and you just wanted him to take it and fight with you, but not push you out of his heart.
When you’re high on life. When the world is beautiful to you and you hate the news and negative people who refuse to let you believe people are amazing and the earth is a thriving green thing that nourishes our souls. When you feel ashamed for pushing it all away just so you can be happy and now they’ve labeled you “unconcerned”.
When all your spirituality is hidden because your community has called you either naive, uneducated, or “new age”, and you just want to be free but they want you to be good so they can make themselves feel safe. And you’re not that sure anyway, so you hide it altogether so as not to be stuck defending something you have no need to define internally.
I just want to see you.
Open your heart to me and let me love you.
You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. And I want to be there, right in the thick of it, experiencing all that you are and all that you see.
It’s amazing to me.